I Hope This Still Makes Sense Later On

Right now I am thinking that the digital revolution was the catalyst for a social catastrophe. Amongst quite a few thoughts.

And see? That doesn’t work if we have a bandwidth problem like I mentioned in an earlier post.

It’s like any dumb idea that pops into my head is amazingly relevant, I have to struggle to maintain my zen.

If only alcohol and marijuana calmed me like they did when I was younger. Those don’t even work anymore and according to my Psychiatrist only negate the meds.

Fluidic Paranoia

I am having a terrible night, my thoughts are not what they were in the morning. I was hoping to kill paranoia with sleep like I have been doing when this happens over the last two years, but I can’t calm down enough to fall asleep.

Like I have described in one of my previous blogs it’s notably wacky because the theories change and conflict with each other but seem very real at the time they happen and are very loud in my head.

Once the thoughts start repeatedly conflicting I start trying to dismiss them, but it is very difficult to blot out the noise.

I am lucky that I can at least identify it as a thought disorder, some are not so lucky and become slaves to their paranoia. That has happened to me in the past but not since I started with the injections.

The most dominant theme is that I am feeling increasingly watched or observed in some way. It’s making me anxious so I can’t sleep.

I Was An Extremely Jealous Boyfriend

I feel really bad about it, I wonder if my medication might affect this if I ever have another chance.

I actually dislike jealous asshole boyfriends.

I only have to put up with myself for a finite amount of time as far as I can tell. Though at least my base psychology isn’t fucked up enough to really go for hating myself.

My New Religion Status On Facebook

I wrote into the field “Agnostic that prays anyways”. I do pray to Norse gods. That makes me super weird I think, they aren’t exactly popular anymore unless they are marvel comic book movie heroes.

I had “Asatru” on there for a few days because just having “Agnostic” was not entirely correct anymore. I was thinking of meeting up with some Asatru in Calgary but decided against it since I do agree with Bill Maher that all religions are dangerous and stupid. I don’t want to offend all religious people with this, but it does draw lines between groups of people. Which is funny because Jesus, who I consider a great philosopher, wanted all people living in universal brother/sisterhood, then people draw lines using his name.

I guess a few prayers don’t constitute being religious or spiritual so I feel exempt from being labelled as some sort of nut.

Faith is kind of nutty from a scientific view. Though I won’t deny that it has spawned some good codes of conduct.

I Am Not In Telecommunications

We really have that much bandwidth? It’s always been baffling to me. Then again I failed a network engineering course.

But my ignorance makes my internet access and smartphone seem like unlikely luxuries.

The Attacks In France

The attack on Charlie Hebdo and the other attacks are of course deplorable. I grew up with freedom of speech and expression being ingrained, and analyzing those as I get older I still agree with them.

I would argue that there is still a crusade going on, but we in the west nonetheless do business with places like Saudi Arabia.

There are people in the west saying that it serves Charlie Hebdo right for being insensitive to Muslim views and there is widespread support amongst Muslims for the attacks. I completely disagree with any justification, I do believe that the values we have are the right ones and not just a point of view.

But what to do to change the minds of these people? The monocultural behemoth seems like a good tool, I wonder if it will prevail in the long run. I don’t like that as an answer since lot’s of the monocultrual export is shallow and corporatist. But beyond just doing more militarily it seems like one of the most peaceful answers, so it has that going for it. There is also increasing the global standard of living, but some argue it isn’t as simple as that. I would argue that well fed happy people overall don’t go on terrorist sprees and crusades but what do I know?

Besides even with all of NATO and some others like Japan and Russia (I know Russia is currently on bad terms) it seems to be militarily impossible to control the areas that have backwards views and enforce enlightened views.

I wonder if we will ever see a major human rights shift in places like China or Saudi Arabia in the next decades? We brought McDonalds and Hollywood movies to China and they are still nasty.

I know!
Mind control their leaders using our intelligence agencies and awesome technology and subvert them that way.

Besides the paranoid part of my thought process thinks that there is something else going on anyway and this is all just part of some fake projection of the way the world works.

Regarding A Previous Post About Defining Myself Using My Illness

I am a student again, so I can now say something else than just “I am disabled” when people ask.

I am kind of studying for the pursuit of knowledge without much of a final goal in place. Which helps since there is no guarantee of a degree since I am not historically a straight A student.

I would prefer if I wound up with some credentials though.

Been Having Paranoid/Pronoid Thoughts

It’s not as omnipresent as when I have a breakdown, nor does it really affect my behavior so it shouldn’t lead to hospitalization.

But still I have had these thoughts of being somehow special, having more power than I know about.

I also believe in a hidden order of governance, masked by a matrix of media obfuscation.

Age, as I mentioned in a previous blog that I deleted is also a factor, being in line with traditions that the elders have the say. I have been fancying the thought that there is an initiation when you reach a certain age.

But there is the negative stuff too, like I am some sort of international joke.

It definitely makes my thought process more interesting in any case, to be positive. I hate it when my mind goes blank, I really enjoy thinking.

I wouldn’t want to take more drugs and totally numb my brain, I hope I can deal with all this.

I Wish Someone Would Offer Me A Huge Amount Of Money

And ask me to do something immoral to get it.

So I can turn them down.

There are different levels of immoral…

I could donate the money for a good cause I suppose, if it isn’t too terrible.

I just really want to stick it to someone with too much wealth, I personally think there should be a wealth cap anyways.

With poverty still being a problem there shouldn’t be people flaunting private jets and such things.

Weird Dream

I had the most intimidating dream ever, it dealt with gods, the afterlife, psychopaths, superhuman intelligence, supercomputers, industrial futuristic human mutilation for entertainment purposes, my sister being attacked by a psychopath with industrial tools, EMS being too slow to arrive and their line being busy, me heroically killing the psychopath and cutting his head off with a circle saw, cops with special fluids in diapers, me with special fluids in diapers, over coddling, a magical treehouse pirate ship, going down the highway in said pirate ship treehouse, smartphones, passports and things I’d rather not mention. When I woke up all I could think was that being a superior A.I. would be awful and had a new appreciation for the simplicity of my life.

I even started fearing death a little less, it is truly the most disgusting dream I have had in recent memory.