It’s not as omnipresent as when I have a breakdown, nor does it really affect my behavior so it shouldn’t lead to hospitalization.
But still I have had these thoughts of being somehow special, having more power than I know about.
I also believe in a hidden order of governance, masked by a matrix of media obfuscation.
Age, as I mentioned in a previous blog that I deleted is also a factor, being in line with traditions that the elders have the say. I have been fancying the thought that there is an initiation when you reach a certain age.
But there is the negative stuff too, like I am some sort of international joke.
It definitely makes my thought process more interesting in any case, to be positive. I hate it when my mind goes blank, I really enjoy thinking.
I wouldn’t want to take more drugs and totally numb my brain, I hope I can deal with all this.
I had the most intimidating dream ever, it dealt with gods, the afterlife, psychopaths, superhuman intelligence, supercomputers, industrial futuristic human mutilation for entertainment purposes, my sister being attacked by a psychopath with industrial tools, EMS being too slow to arrive and their line being busy, me heroically killing the psychopath and cutting his head off with a circle saw, cops with special fluids in diapers, me with special fluids in diapers, over coddling, a magical treehouse pirate ship, going down the highway in said pirate ship treehouse, smartphones, passports and things I’d rather not mention. When I woke up all I could think was that being a superior A.I. would be awful and had a new appreciation for the simplicity of my life.
I even started fearing death a little less, it is truly the most disgusting dream I have had in recent memory.
It’s weird, I am proud on one side and then there is all this bad history, especially recent history. So I wonder if it’s ok to be proud.
It’s been a major conflict in my head recently. It’s somewhat of a taboo because of Hitler, but I do identify with the Germanic peoples as a whole and I know the Nazis had strong beliefs centered around the greater German Reich that included all Germanic people, including the Scandanavians. I get this feeling of being bro with others of the same heritage.
I think it’s more useful to be a proud European though.
Or even better a proud Human.
But you can’t cheer for the Human or European team at World Cup.
Edit: Yeah I can actually cheer for the Human team at World Cup.
People ask me what I do and I say I am disabled or something to that effect.
I do feel a basic human need to contribute to the highly complex mosaic that is humanity in some meaningful way instead of being a drain. I have worked at doing minimum wage tasks and it was awful, I didn’t get a sense of achievement. I look up to people of accomplishment and wish I could be like that. I have lately been jealous of celebrities, I know, it’s shallow.
So I do a few creative things, but they don’t earn money so I feel dishonest telling people I am a writer or photographer.
And that eventually led to my dilemma of defining my being as what is wrong with me.
I wish I were a girl, because girls just wanna have fun!
Conservatives of all kinds all weird me out. As life quality becomes better and better over the years I think it’s only logical to improve and improve. I guess I am biased since I don’t really have faith that death leads to something better, so we need to make this place the best place it can be.
Becoming masters of this Realm would totally kick ass in any case. I wonder how far we can go as a species in controlling our lot in life. I wonder if like some species in Star Trek we can basically become gods.
Why look into the past for solutions to today’s problems? I love having the conveniences of life now as compared to even just 100 years ago, the list of changes is astounding.
I know, I know, “Blasphemy!”. To you I say Bah Humbug!
The new meds work great except for one thing, they make me extremely lazy. I just sit there sometimes or go back to bed after being up for an hour and often sleep at least fourteen hours a night. I like that they inhibit my schizophrenic symptoms but life is definitely a bit more grey.
I didn’t like my last trip to the mental ward, it was Christmas and I wanted to be home. So I accept the side affects. People say how I am more myself.
It could be worse. Maybe in the future there will be better options. At least I am not in the Third Reich being sterilized or exterminated.
Though my prospects of making babies is relatively low I would say, besides, not to say that mandatory sterilization is acceptable but I don’t really want to pass on my defects.
I have an obsession with the eternal, I guess that isn’t so uncommon since people believe in an afterlife. But I don’t really believe in an afterlife, I want to, but I just lack enough evidence.
I have discussed with people how the universe is a startling coincidence with it’s ridiculous circumstantial configuration allowing creatures such as us to exist. That is SOME evidence, but not enough for me to start subscribing to organized religion and it’s ilk.
Back to the eternal, is there meaning with something as fleeting as a lifetime? In a universe that will eventually end? Finding meaning in a moment of time without focusing on the eternal seems like a solution for me. I have always had an obsession with immortality and omnipotence and so it is difficult to change this mindset that I was almost born with.
I wonder what people would say to me about their thoughts on believing in meaning in limited timespans?
Since this is my first post and I don’t know if anyone besides me will ever read this I hope someone comments with their thoughts.