Defining Oneself By Ones Illness

I am guilty of this, especially as of late.

People ask me what I do and I say I am disabled or something to that effect.

I do feel a basic human need to contribute to the highly complex mosaic that is humanity in some meaningful way instead of being a drain. I have worked at doing minimum wage tasks and it was awful, I didn’t get a sense of achievement. I look up to people of accomplishment and wish I could be like that. I have lately been jealous of celebrities, I know, it’s shallow.

So I do a few creative things, but they don’t earn money so I feel dishonest telling people I am a writer or photographer.

And that eventually led to my dilemma of defining my being as what is wrong with me.

I wish I were a girl, because girls just wanna have fun!

Thank You Cyndi Lauper for my new life outlook.

Just gotta concentrate on having that fun.


Conservatives of all kinds all weird me out. As life quality becomes better and better over the years I think it’s only logical to improve and improve. I guess I am biased since I don’t really have faith that death leads to something better, so we need to make this place the best place it can be.

Becoming masters of this Realm would totally kick ass in any case. I wonder how far we can go as a species in controlling our lot in life. I wonder if like some species in Star Trek we can basically become gods.

Why look into the past for solutions to today’s problems? I love having the conveniences of life now as compared to even just 100 years ago, the list of changes is astounding.

I know, I know, “Blasphemy!”. To you I say Bah Humbug!

My New Medication

The new meds work great except for one thing, they make me extremely lazy. I just sit there sometimes or go back to bed after being up for an hour and often sleep at least fourteen hours a night. I like that they inhibit my schizophrenic symptoms but life is definitely a bit more grey.

I didn’t like my last trip to the mental ward, it was Christmas and I wanted to be home. So I accept the side affects. People say how I am more myself.

It could be worse. Maybe in the future there will be better options. At least I am not in the Third Reich being sterilized or exterminated.

Though my prospects of making babies is relatively low I would say, besides, not to say that mandatory sterilization is acceptable but I don’t really want to pass on my defects.

The Point Of The Not Everlasting

I have an obsession with the eternal, I guess that isn’t so uncommon since people believe in an afterlife. But I don’t really believe in an afterlife, I want to, but I just lack enough evidence.

I have discussed with people how the universe is a startling coincidence with it’s ridiculous circumstantial configuration allowing creatures such as us to exist. That is SOME evidence, but not enough for me to start subscribing to organized religion and it’s ilk.

Back to the eternal, is there meaning with something as fleeting as a lifetime? In a universe that will eventually end? Finding meaning in a moment of time without focusing on the eternal seems like a solution for me. I have always had an obsession with immortality and omnipotence and so it is difficult to change this mindset that I was almost born with.

I wonder what people would say to me about their thoughts on believing in meaning in limited timespans?

Since this is my first post and I don’t know if anyone besides me will ever read this I hope someone comments with their thoughts.